If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
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