Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
Randomize
