We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
We had to coat check the pizza.
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Randomize
