Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
Randomize
