I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
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