i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
he shaved USA in his pubs
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
Randomize
