i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
Why does Jon Cryer have a career?
That is a good question.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Randomize