I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
Randomize
