Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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