Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
He? As in you personified your dick?
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