It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
