Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
i want to swaddle you in tequila
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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