She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
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