hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
Randomize
