Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Randomize
