I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
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