I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize