Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Randomize
