miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
