My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
