My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
I currently don't understand fingers.
Randomize
