We are walking down to the lake and then i dont know. Where did you sleep?
Places.
Plural? Please tell.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Randomize
