Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
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