On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Randomize