my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
all ten of us were sitting in his room with the lights off and staring at his colorful moving screensaver for two hours. That high.
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Randomize
