I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
Randomize
