I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
I miss vodka workout Fridays
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
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