Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
