Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
everytime i listen to a chris brown song and like it i feel like i bad person
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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