When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
Randomize
