i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
