You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
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