I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
