youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
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