I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
Randomize
