I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
