I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
