i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
