if i died would you start the facebook group?
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
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