I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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