God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
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