True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
Barsexuality is the new black.
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
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