it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
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