I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
I'm determined to sit on that face.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
4 of us. Guys and girls. Were sitting there discussing the passed out half naked Brit girl on the floor. She is no longer the international woman of mystery.
Randomize
