i think i have two assholes
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
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