my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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