I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Randomize
