You smell like a Billy Joel song
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
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