oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
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