sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
Randomize
