My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
