well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
Randomize
