His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize
