he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
