It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Randomize
