mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
he had a blacklight sublime poster, of course i had to do him.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Randomize
