I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
