Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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