you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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